I Got to See the End

I lay on the couch watching the closing credits of Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker.

I was surprised by the tears that suddenly rolled down my face.

I wasn’t sad Star Wars was over.

I wasn’t sad Leia, Luke and Ben died.

So as I always do when I can’t get find an answer,

I shoved a few quarters into the pinball machine that is my brain, and let my mind ricochet.

The first place that lit up was the summer of ‘77, when Star Wars came out.

My Princess Leia buns made an appearance all summer.

Then I was in 1980. 

Princess Leia in her gold metal bikini strangling Jabba with the chain that bound her

And me digging my teeth into my stepfather’s forehead so hard; he had to fake a work injury to fool my mother.

On and on it went.

Every movie, a new phase in life.

Every adventure, a new challenge.

It was then I understood the tears.

They were gratefulness.

From the little 12-year-old girl with the Leia buns.

To the 61-year-old biding her time

Each episode encapsulating the struggle and the triumph of an era.

The last chapter pointing out a much simpler passage.

The thankfulness of another day of life.

Of finally understanding my worth.

And knowing I would survive.