I Thought I Was a Great Mother

I thought I was a great mother.

But I totally sucked.

When my children were growing up, 

I would always tell the story of how birth control had no idea how to work for me.

My first child was planned.

I got pregnant 13 months later while on the pill.

Had my second child; got my tubes tied right after birth.

Got pregnant with my third child only 11.5 months apart.

It was a story about me.

My ovaries.

And some very in-denial sperm.

What I learned during a recent conversation was totally different.

The word “accident” came up.

Although I'd never used the word.

My kids were always wanted.

My kids were always loved.

I didn’t want them to ever feel the way I’d felt.

But I did.

That sucks.

I failed at seeing their perspective.

And while it hurt like a mofo to hear I sucked,

I had the chance to apologize.

Not for what I meant.

For what they heard.